We'll find somewhere.
Here?
There.
You say goodbye to Goldie. I'll start preparing the grave.
What do you want to say?
I'm sorry, Goldie, I put you in the bath with all the bubbles.
Get the children away.
Get the children away!
Come in.
So, what can I help you with today?
Doctor, you know it's, er, rather embarrassing.
You can share whatever you like. Well, you know...
Doctor, it's erm... It's during, you know like, er, like sex.
I just, er, I find I just... I just can't orgasm...
No matter who the man is or no matter how big he is...
I see.
Vin, I need to talk to you. Can it wait, mate?
I've turned up at JJ's with some nicked wheels. It's quite important.
Yeah, all right, listen, let me... Let me see you at the party.
I'll chat to you then. Yeah, all right, bye. Bye.
40.
What's going on here? You all right, JJ? Yeah.
Blood's just rushing a bit now.
Er...
This is my cousin Sarim.
You all right, Sarim?
Yeah, all right. Who are you?
I'm Vinnie, I'm JJ's mate.
50.
Going a bit thin on top there, Vinnie.
Yeah, sign of virility, apparently. That's bollocks, that is.
Got to be a minute, now. Look at Samson, in your Bible,
cut all his hair off, lost his strength.
Yeah, I know but, I don't take the Bible literally though, you know,
what with Noah and all them animals. It's gotta be a minute.
What you saying? You don't believe in your own holy book?
I think it's all a bit far-fetched for me, you know what I mean?
Mind you, fucking all are, aren't they? Quran, Torah...
What!
Shit! You slagging our book?
No, man, I'm... JJ, are you all right, love? What you saying, huh?
I'm just saying some of the stories are just a bit far-fetched.
This a fucking friend of yours? Sarim.
Don't Sarim me, you come here with your fucking slaphead
and you starts slagging our book - I'm not slagging your book off.
Sarim. Don't Sarim me. Dude, calm down.
Stop dude-ing me, you fucking twat.OK.
All right? You fucking bald prick.
Car, tomorrow.Yeah.
And I told you I could hold you up for a minute.
Yes, you did.Yeah.
What an incredible bell-end.
Fucking handsome though, ain't he, eh?
This is how he's treated me, my whole fucking life.
He goes, "I can hold you upside-down for a minute,"
then he bloody goes and does it.
Now I've got to fix his fucking white car
for his stupid flash wedding.
Wedding? Someone's marrying him? Yeah.
Danika.
She's just as bad as he is.
They used to take the piss out of me, because I was fat.
Fatty.No.You fat fucker!
- Come here. Don't get worked up. - No, no, no, come on.
Don't let him do that. It's all right.
It's all right, man.
You know what?
All I ever wanted was revenge on him.
Now I've gotta buy them a fucking gift for the their wedding. He's just a bully.
Let's go and have a brew. Come on.
And you put your left leg in
Your left leg out
In, out, in, out, you shake it all about
You do the hokey cokey and you turn around
- That's what it's all about... - Hey!
He's bloody useless, isn't he? How did we persuade him to do this?
It's what he does now. He's packed the circus in.
Apparently set up on his own. He's calling himself Maurice Bojangles.
Hey, the hokey... cokey
Has he been drinking? He's sweating like a necrophiliac at a funeral.
Oi, dude, can... Can we talk? Let me roll this spliff.
I'll come and have a chat with you.
More beer, lads? No.No. You're all right thanks, love.
So, go on, then, what have you got Tyler?
Oh, er...
Just... Just my rabbit.
What? Is there a rabbit in there? Yeah. It can breathe.
In here? Oh, my God.
Don't tilt it. What? Aren't you not gonna miss it?
No, no, we don't get on.
Go on, just... Now, so we've got it, yeah? Yeah.
All right, thanks, Vin. All right. Who wants a banana?
Get off!
Hey! Get off! Give me my nose back and sit down.
So how's things going on with you and Erin? Er, yeah.
Yeah, we're taking it slow. You know, we don't wanna confuse Tyler.
Yeah. What about Sara?
Er, yeah. No, I had a chat with her yesterday.
It was fine... Fine? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know...
She's a great girl and I feel fucking terrible.
Vin? Sorry, lad. Yeah, come on.
Let's go and have a chat.
Right, what's in the magic hat? Let's have a look.
Ooh, that's not supposed to happen.
Ooh, what's this?
Look at this! You're just pulling it out of your sleeve! Sh!
I'm not pulling it out my sleeve. There's nothing up me sleeve.
The other sleeve.No. No. There's nothing in my other sleeve.
You shush. Oh, look, it's Ricky the Raccoon.
Do you want to stroke him? Boring! No, it's not boring. Boring!
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
...er, about her... and, er, the-the way she is with me.
And, erm, you know, I know
sh-sh-sh-she made that porno,
but it was a long time ago.
We've all done stupid stuff in t'past.
Do you remember that wanking contest? I do, yeah. Not fondly.
Yeah, but you know, no matter how-how much I watch it...
...it doesn't change anything, be-because
I've never felt this way before about-about anyone.
And I'm s-scared because, you know,
I know I can be useless and I'm a bit fat and you know, I let people down...
but I, I really fucking love her man.
And I need her,
you know to be with me,
and-and I just always want her to be in my life.
So...
I, erm...
I got this.
No way.
Are you gonna ask her? Yeah, well...
What do you think? Yeah, fucking definitely.
Definitely do that.
W-Will she say yes? Course she's gonna fucking say yes.
Course she's gonna say yeah. Listen to me.
I'm really proud of you, all right.
That's a fucking big decision.
If she says yes -Hm?
...will you help me sort out a wedding?
It don't have to be much, it's just like a fucking vicar and takeaway.
If my mate Cardi wants to get married,
and have a fucking party,
it's gonna be the biggest one I can possibly think of.
I promise you, I love you so much, man. All right?
All right, well, go and ask her, then.
What? Now? Well, why not? No.
No.What the fuck? You've got the ring! No, but I... Go and do it.
Don't think about shit, just get it done.
That's what I'd do.
Just go and get it done.
Go on.
Sod off.
All right. Good lad.
Give us another one there, Maurice. Don't. Don't egg him on.
Don't egg him on. There's nothing in the magic hat.
Give it here! Come on.
Give it here, Specky. Kids! Give it here, lad. I'm doing the cake.
Give me my fucking hat back,
you shower of shit bunch of little cunts!
Right, come on. Stop pushing me.
Get off! Stupid fat man!
Leave me alone. I don't like it.
Oh, for God's sake.
Sorry, kids, move out of the way. Right, get up.
Dylan!
Here. Oh, my God. Now get him out.
Get him out. Someone spiked me. He's all right. Someone spiked me.
You absolutely stink. I've broke me nose.
Check that out.
Is he proposing? Mmm.
Oh, shit man, that is massive.
How do you fancy giving them two love birds the best present ever?
Your cousin's wedding.
OK, listen up, cos there's a lot to take in.
This is my bell-end of a cousin Sarim,
and this is the dickhead he's marrying - Danika.
She's a Hindu girl. Her family want a traditional wedding,
which means it is gonna be massive.
Guys, we are talking flashy as fuck! It looks amazing.
Hey, why don't you join in? Double wedding. Piss off.
No, you do right, mate, it's a prison. Ring on your finger
and before you know it you're shuffling round Ikea
asking for permission to see your own mates.
No flirting, no spontaneous sex,
not a fucking rat in hell's chance of any anal.
All in the misguided pursuit of companionship.
Stag do'll be fun though.Great.
Right, anyway.
These guys are gonna have everything we need OK,
beautiful drapes, wedding dressing, cutlery...
You name it, this whole room is gonna be
all the colours of the bloody rainbows, guys.Excellent.
The gifts, yeah, we're talking gold,
we're talking frankincense, even bloody myrrh's gonna be turning up.
Sounds amazing. I feel bad for stealing it.
Yeah, well, don't, because this guy... dickhead.
Won't there be 200 people there? Exactly.
Which is why we need the knowledge of our inside man. Go on, JJ.
To my mind, there's only one perfect time to do the hit,
and that is the Baraat. The what?
The Baraat. It is the groom's wedding procession in to the venue.
It's about half an hour long, sometimes they come in a flashy motor or a white horse.
Knowing this dickhead, a white horse. Procession starts.
It's gonna weave its way down these country roads, to the wedding venue.
The room's gonna be set up, and the wedding breakfast prepared.
So how do we get it out? Yeah, all right so,
There's a shit load of moving parts here.
We need to create a distraction That draws everybody out
and it allows us to enter there, look.15 minutes to smash and grab.
It's a big fucking job, guys, we all need to be on our A-game.
That's right, cos this isn't just for money, it's for love, all right?
It's for Carol and Cardi.
Hey, to Carol and Cardi, eh.
Carol and Cardi.
Shit. Hello.
Get yourself over to the office now
and don't tell anyone you're coming.
That's not good.
They've found his body.
Tony Tillerton.
Just his body.
No head.
Right. You've fucked me, Vin.
You've bent me over and fucked me up the arse
with a massive yellow dildo.No. No, let me expl-Shut the fuck up!
They've linked him to me.
I got arrested in my own home,
in front of my fucking daughters.
And the only reason why you're not lying in a ditch right now
is that I can't risk another dead body coming back to me.
I'm sorry. Fuck your sorry.
What happened?
We went to his house.
And-And-And he made fucking scones.
Straight from the oven.
And JJ shot his fucking Peacock.
This is Struen.
So we-we, we get in the van...
These fucking guys come out of nowhere...
So-So-So we followed 'em
and they started fucking shooting at us, like, actually shooting.
Fuck you! Shit!
Got Tony out the fucking window shooting his gun off,
next thing you know, his fucking head.
I-I-I mean, I mean, it was really shocking
and I know, I know we should've told you the truth.
But you-you said to bring him back safe,
and there's his fucking head on the ground.
How'd you lose the body? They-They-They'd stole it.
They just fucked off wi' it.
So I got a mate of ours to sew that head on to another body.
I-I know, I know it sounds, it sounds fucked,
but he's a undertaker, it's not as weird as it...
I lied to you, man...
...Mister McCann, and I'm sorry.
How fucked are we?
They found his body in the woods, some family burying a goldfish.
Police told the wife they thought it was a professional hit.
They seized his computer.
And all the work he did for me was encrypted,
but the bastard was smart.
He'd left a special file, which he'd hidden inside his own system.
Since 2012, I have worked for a businessman, Mr Terence McCann.
However, during this time, I became aware that
Mr McCann is a violent, unhinged, psychotic, monster.
That's not true.
And when I tried to extract myself from his services,
I became fearful for myself and for my family.
Where's the head?
It's gone, I cremated it.
You'll have to destroy the van. There'll be traces.
Done.
They've got nothing, on me, Vin. That file won't convict me.
So the only thing linking me to that headless fucking corpse
is you
and your idiot friends.
Can you trust them?
Can you fucking trust them?
Yeah, yeah.
I hope so.
Fuck off.
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
All right, I'll wear this, but that's it.
If anyone's got a chocolate cock, penis slippers or a duck with a dick, take them home.
You lot go your way, we'll go ours, meet back here at eight, yeah.
Aaaaah! Don't get too pissed.
All right, so no intentional aiming at the dick.
If it's accidental, we'll let it go.
Five. Four. Three. Two. One.
Go!
Go on!
Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey
Shake 'em, now-now...
Where's my stripper?
No can do sunshine, MeToo.
No hashtag. You run a s-strip club.
I run a classy adult entertainment venue, Mate.
I draw the line at some ropey bird with squirty cream on her tits.
Hey, so I've got the vans sorted. I bought the coloured smoke.
Tommo's obviously good for cop uniforms, so we're golden.
Good. Listen, come here.
Don't tell the others.
Do you remember that geezer who got his head taken off?
What geezer? For fuck... How the fuck do you not remember that?
Hilarious.
Really funny.
Listen. Cops are all over it, right.
And we can't afford any link with us and that fucking body,
so we're gonna have to crush the rascal, you know.Shit.
I know, man. I fucking love that van too.
Fuck the bloody van, the cops, the body...
I wasn't supposed to be on that fucking trip, and you dragged me into it.
Just don't, don't start that shit again.
I don't wanna go to prison, Vin, all right?
Maybe we shouldn't steal this wedding, yeah.
Maybe this is just a sign for us to just keep our heads down.Shit.
Fucking shit.No. No. No.
Hey, what you doing here? Come to see Dylan.
No. No. Come on. Don't. Don't do this to yourself.
Vinnie, I -No, no, just listen. You're gonna get upset.
Just come and have a chat, with me. I don't wanna chat.
But I've, I've got, I've got a spliff.
A spliff. Go and have a smoke and a chat. Quick chat.
You see, what you've got to understand is
Dyl and Erin, they've been together for ever.
I mean, we always thought they would be,
but then the universe just went apeshit.
I mean, split 'em apart, you know. When you look at it like that,
you and Dyl should never really have even met.
You shouldn't have done. I mean, fucking plumbing.
His heart's not in plumbing, he only did that to impress Erin.
Do you know what I mean? Right. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I hear what you're saying.
There's just one slight problem with your theoryHmm?
It's horse shit. Is it?
Well, go on.
Think about it.
All those years they were together and he never properly moved in.
He never made any commitment that he couldn't back out of.
I mean, if you love someone you wanna commit.
You want them in your life
and the thought of them not being, that fills you with, with panic...
Hmm. Huh?
Hmm.
Very wise.
I am.
You're young.
Do you know what I mean?
I mean, fucking hell. You've got your whole life ahead of you.
Why the fuck do you want to get serious with Dyl?
Cos I love him.
I don't think you do.
I do, Vinnie.
I love him.
Right?
Right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I don't want your hugs, Vinnie.
I just wanna know how, how he could do this to me?
Is it cos of my dad?
Your dad?
Yeah, my dad. He's a copper.
Has he not told you that?
No.
He's a copper and you're all...
...whatever you are... We're not anything.
Right.
OK.
He has told me things, you know. Mm-hm.
Like what?
Like loads.
The weed shed. The circus.
Anything else?
Plenty.
I'm not pissing around, what's he told you?
I don't know, Vin.
Listen to me.
You have no idea what you're dealing with here.
Tell me what he's told you, Sara.
Nothing.
All right?
Jesus.
Don't lose your head.
Fuck!
I'm gonna get you up now.
It's a special day today, Carol, am I right?
Carol! Carol!
Carol, we are gonna rock your world, baby.
Come on, boys.
Hey! Hey! What the fuck have you told Sara?
What? You heard what I fucking... So what've you told her?
When you've had a drink, you're a fucking blabbermouth.
What have you said? Noth... Fucking nothing.
I swear to God, I'll put you through the fucking wall, Dylan.
Fucking stop that, all right! I tell you what,
I'll rephrase it for you. Have you told her about Tillerton?
Who? Have you told her about fucking Tillerton? The guy who got his head taken off?
No.Oi.
Look me in the eye and tell me you haven't told her.
Tell me you haven't said anything, Dyl.
I-I-I can't remember. You fucking idiot!
Dude, it's not... You don't have to worry.
Her fucking dad's a copper, Dyl!
You know she's fucking heartbroken. Pissed off.
And, right now, if she can get one over on you,
that's exactly what she's gonna do!
You know, all the fuck... It's all linked.
The fucking cops know McCann's a part of that fucking murder.
We can't have it coming back on us, Dylan.
Oh, fuck, fuck. Christ. Shit. Oh, fuck. My heart.
Fuck your heat, you knobhead.
Er, what are we gonna do? I don't fucking know.
I'll tell you what you're gonna fucking do.
You're gonna go out there, find her and you're gonna make it right.
How? I don't fucking know, Dylan,
but if you don't make it right and she fucking blabs, we're fucked!
All going to jail! No, I, er...
No, I can't, I can't do that. What? I'm fucking back with Erin.
What am I supposed to say to her? I don't give a fuck, Dylan.
I don't give a fuck!
It's your mess, go and fucking clean it.
I swear to God, you fucking go now, else I'll fucking bury you.Right.
Dickhead!
Everything all right?
Hey.Hey.
Dylan?
Fat fuck.
Are you all right, Sarim?
Er, are you nervous?
Nervous? Nerves are for wimps.
I've got a beautiful woman, JJ.
She can cook, she can suck,
goes like a train, thanks for asking. I didn't ask, actually.
I don't want you using that image for when you're alone.
Keep her out of here, JJ.
She's family from today, man.
She's not really my type actually, Sarim.
What you saying? Nothing. She's lovely, right -
You saying she's a munter? What? I didn't say that! Where the fuck's your bird, JJ?
Oh, yeah, you've not got one,
because you're a used to be fat fucking freak
who gets his hots from hooking fish.
Anyway, you have a nice day.
I think we're about to start in a second.
What a dick. Yeah, I know.
And he's always coming at me you know,
and none of you lot say anything. OK, let's go and get married.
Right, get in positions.
The baraat's getting started.
Jacklapatty right back at you, dude.
I'm assuming that's good luck, mind you, he could be telling me to fuck myself. Right, we're on.
You ready, yeah? Ready like Eddie.
Who's Eddie? Bloke I used to know.
Very attractive wife.
Surprisingly supple.
Still no word from Dyl? No. No word.
You ready, Jimbo?
Oh, I was born ready.
I tell you what, Vin. What?
If this all goes tits up, I'm telling 'em that you coerced me.
Yeah? I'm gonna land all the shit at your door -
All right... and plead early dementia.
That'd be an easy sell, wouldn't it? You silly old cunt.
Well, fuck off. Are you two sorted and all?
Grand, yeah.Sick.Right, do you wanna be good cop or bad cop?
I want to be "Let's get this done quick and not fuck it up" cop.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Tuck it in.
So I'll be in a nursing home getting pampered,
while you'll be in Broadmoor getting bummed.
Will you just fuck off?
Christ!
Sorry I'm late.
Where have you been? Oh, I just got wasted. Had to go home.
Got hammered didn't you? I puked and then passed out.
Go and get your high-vis out, right. Sorry.
Dyl? Yeah.
Is it sorted?
Sorted.
Hi there. Where's your boss? In the back.
That's not clean.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, riddle me this.
Who's in charge here?
Paulo. He's in the bathroom.
Well, how long will he be?
Not sure.
Has he been long already? Will he be opening his bowel?
I'm not sure. I don't really know, I just...
Well, listen up. There's been a very serious threat on the hotel.
We need you and you to file out into the car park.
Right out on to the restaurant there, please. There you goes.
Get you! Go.
Paulo!
I bet it's a shit.
Jim, it's show time.
Fucking right.
Attaboy. Come on. Come to Daddy.
Cheers!
Aw! God! Oh, my God!
Oi. Stop being in awe. Come on, we've got to steal some shit.
Pretty sure this is it. Pretty sure?
Yeah, like, 40 percent.
40 percent's good.
Fucking hell.
I'm jealous. Me too.
Right, that's it, if I ever get married, I'm marrying an Indian.
Thank you. Form a nice straight line here
and stay well away from the building, please.
What the fuck?
What? I know him.
What? I've spanked him.
Take over. Excuse me, sir, are you the manager here?
Yes, and I have a wedding to prepare.
Why are my staff not in the fucking kitchen?
There's been a bomb threat, OK,
so we've had to excavate the building -A bomb threat? Yeah.
On a remote manor house? That's what we were told, yeah.
No.So were taking it very serious. This is bullshit. OK.
Look - Mumbai ragda patties.
Dahi Puri.
Bomb? No.
Right. I don't see one. I understand. Oh, is that it?
No, it's Khakhra roll.
Ah! Bomb?
No, it's Masala Vada. Or this?
I understand. Bomb? No. Cocktail fucking Kachori.
Sir, I understand, but we have to take this seriously,
so could you please es-cavate the building.
What the hell is he doing?
He's patrolling for bombs.
Excuse me. Sir. Hey, you!
You! I want to talk to you.
Who, me?
Tommo? Er, Paulo.
Good to see you, mate.
What a lovely surprise. What the fuck?
Yes, er, I'm a policeman now.
Since when?
Well, recently. I was training up in Hendon.
I heard you were running The Rat And Cutter.
It's, er... That's rumours, mate.
It's quite serious this, the bomb threat.
Yeah, yeah, actually, they used a code word and everything, so...
And they didn't bring the bomb squad? Just you two.
Cutbacks, innit, you know. It's... It's criminal, really.
Ironically.
No, it's serious though isn't it?
I'm calling the police. Paolo - No, no, we are the police.
You don't have to call them. Bullshit, Tommo, OK.
You made a lemon sorbet from my cum.
You're not a policeman now.
Paulo, the sorbet days are behind me.
And-And you're too fucking small.
Hello. Police.
There's imposters at the Thornfield Manor.
What the fuck?
No. No. No. No. You go. You just go. You go.
Erin.
Go, go, go. You go. Go!
Now. Now. Just settle down. Just...
Fuck.
Vin - Vin.
We have to go. We have to go. The cops are coming.
Fuck. Why? The head chef, he recognised Tommo.
Where...? Where the fuck from?
They made jizz puddings together.
Course they fucking have, haven't you?
They're on their way. Go and nick the rest of the shit.
I'm gonna tie her up. I'll tie her up. I'll tie her.
Ooh! Have that!
Have that!
Argh!
Sarim. Sarim.
Oh, man, you shoulder it looks dislocated. Here I'll fix it.
Anley, keep your hand on his shoulder, no matter what he says.
Don't lift it up.
Quick!
Come on, Vinnie! Get in the car!
Come on!
Faster! Just fucking go!
There's Jim, slow down!
What took you?
Only a fucking woman would say that.
You see, this is why I've never got wed.
Shit like this. Is that the only reason?
Hey, I've had plenty of offers love.
You all right, love?
It's my last day as a s-single man, you know.
Yeah, well,
it's not all it's cracked up to be, you know.
I'm fucking miserable.
You love her man and she loves you.
You've got to hang onto that, haven't you?
I'm proud of you, Cardi.
Thanks, mate. Come and give me a love.
You know it won't change owt. I'll still be here.
I'll still be part of everything. I know you will.Yeah.I know.
It's all right.
Are you gonna come and check your wedding out?
Mm?
Yeah. Come on.
Bejewelled, eh?
Yeah, fucking Carol made it.
Ready?
One. Two. Three.
Oh, my...
Are you all right? How are you?
Bloody hell. Who's done that to Nigel? He looks fucking ace!
So...
Yeah?
Are you gonna tell me what really happened last night?
Oh, nothing.
Why don't I believe you?
Look, Erin, honestly, it was nothing.
Right? I promise.
OK.
Dearly beloved.
We are gathered here today to witness the union of
Carol Dennings and Cardi.
Or, if we're to use him his birth name, it's actually Leslie Titt.
The joining together of two people
spending the rest of their lives together is to be respected.
Trust me, as an undertaker,
I've seen many marriages end in violence, misery and murder...
So if any persons here present know of any reason
why these two people should not be joined together in holy wedlock,
can you please speak now or forever hold your peace.
Yeah, me!
Nah, I'm only kidding. Carry on.
Mind you, fifty percent do end in divorce so you're probably...
You're making a good point, but let's continue on, right so...
May we have the bridesmaid and the best man,
come forth and provide the rings? Thank you.
Just answer as I ask, OK.Yes.
Do you, Carol Cassandra Denning, take this man Leslie Arthur Titt?
...sickness and in health?
Police!
Armed police! Nobody move!
Vincent O'Neill.
Nobody move!
Vincent O' Neill, we are arresting you on conspiracy to murder.
You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence
if you fail to mention when questioned
something which you later rely on in court.
No, you don't understand. He's my best friend. It's my-my wedding.
Cardi... Cardi, love...
Vinnie, no. Just go back inside. You're making a mistake!
Just-Just give me... Just give me 30 seconds.
You've got me now.
Just 30 seconds.
Erin, I know you don't...
...but I do.
And-And if there was a button, I'd press it.
I know it's wrong, but you're the first thing in the morning...
...and you're the last thing at night.
I just... I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me.
Tell Tyler I love him.
Vinnie.
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